Hotel jokes

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?" 
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?" 
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk. 
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."  Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

Funny Hotel Notices In The Lobby:

1) English well speaking.

2) We take your bags and send them in all direction.

3) In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

4) The elevator is being fixed for the next day. 
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

4a) In the lift: 
Do not enter the elevator backwards, and only when lit up.

4b) To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.

5) Customers are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

Funny Notices In the Bedroom:

1) Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notice.

2) Please to bathe inside the tub.

3) Please leave your values at the front desk.

4) You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

5) Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

Funny Notices In a the Bar:

1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.

2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

4) Special today — no ice cream.

Funny Holiday Notices In the Hotel Shop

1) For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

2) If this is your first visit to Tokyo, you are welcome to it.

3) Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

4) Specialist in women and other diseases.

5) Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Hotel in Jonzac, France
For your evenings muscled, the hotel offers a gym in free form.

Funny Notices In the Hotel Grounds

1) Stop. Drive sideways.

2) Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, please give it to the guard on duty.

3) A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

4) Ladies, please leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

5) Take one of our horse-driven tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

5a) Would you like to ride on your own ass?